i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
