please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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