we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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