YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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