The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
