I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
