My hand turned me down
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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