never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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