I just made out with a guy for $7.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
