you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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