Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Randomize
