no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I stole a fireplace last night.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
