Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize