So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
