I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
