break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
