Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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