I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
