You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
