Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
well I can't set my house on fire every night
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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