i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
