Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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