my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
