Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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