FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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