Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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