tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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