She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize