I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
