You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
