so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
