What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
