Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
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