You're like the curious george of whores
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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