Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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