Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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