who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
