Swine flu is the new snow day.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
