Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Randomize
