hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
