My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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