explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
