you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
