Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
