1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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