I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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