haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
