So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
