if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
there is glitter all over my balls
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
