Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
