apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
