Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
