I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize