I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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