How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
