note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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