All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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