Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Alive.
So much puke
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
