Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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