Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
